First, for the benefit of selling you on the game and having more people to play against, let me bore you with basic gameplay details. Hero Academy is a new iOS multiplayer grid-based strategy game. The multiplayer aspect happens asynchronously… you know, like when you take a turn and the person you’re playing against takes minutes/hours/days/weeks/months/years/decades/etc. too long to take theirs and you’re sitting there on the toilet and your legs are falling asleep and you’re convinced gravity is slowly pulling your intestines out of your sphincter. Like that.

The strategy part of the game comes in how you deploy and use the randomized units and items that appear at the bottom of the screen. This is your “hand” and you can play any of these items during your turn. Playing something from your “hand” opens up room for more randomized items or units to appear in  your hand from your reserves. There is a limited number of units and items in your reserves during a game, so you will want to be prudent with how you use items and you will have to be careful about whether you want to send a unit into battle as a sacrificial lamb. Deploying a unit, using an item, moving a unit or attacking an enemy all count as a move, of which you get five per turn. Of course there are different unit types which are good at different things. I would explain them but you could just play the game and find out yourself like I did, lazy ass. Ultimately you win by destroying your enemies’ crystal(s) and there are special panels on the ground that give your units a boost to help defend or attack.

I’ve only managed to complete one game at this point with several other games currently on the go (HURRY UP AND PLAY YOUR TURNS YOU ASSHOLES) and I lost because my opponent stormed my crystal. So while on the surface this might seem like a relatively simple game, there are layers of strategy here as you decide which units to use items on, whether to go in and finish off a weakened opponent and leave yourself open for counterattack, or whether you have adequate defences for your crystal. It’s unlikely any two games will unfold in the same way and that adds to the long term appeal to the game and speaks volumes for the game design. I’m still figuring out the nuances, but this is compelling stuff.

The nature of the game is pretty appealing in that (aside from toilet time) most of us don’t really have a whole lot of time for gaming on our iPhones, so it’s pretty easy to play a turn and leave the game and return to it whenever you get a moment knowing you’re likely to have someone waiting to continue their game with you.

If there are negatives,they would have to be that this game is “free” and ad supported. While they aren’t intrusive, the ads are the super terrible kind that you’re probably used to seeing on shitty blogs and offer nothing appealing. Also, there is only one hero team available for you to play as in the free version. In order to play as the Dark Elves, whose units have unique attributes, you have to purchase them for $2. Doing so will also disable the ads. On one hand I can appreciate the business model, but it also feels a bit unfair that if you don’t pay, you can’t play as this other team and go head to head on equal footing with those that have. I’m not convinced the Dark Elves have any inherent advantages, but it leaves a bad taste.

All said, I’m having a blast with my free version (though I am contemplating a purchase), and anyone looking for a worthwhile experience on their iOS devices should give it a shot.

(My in-game name is snorggy. Come at me bro)

First of all, and this has to be said – if this movie had a second subtitle, it would have to be “Scientology, son!” Tom Cruise is pushing 50 and he looks better than most 30 year olds. Damn.

Now that I’ve finished pumping Tom’s tires, I can tell you that Ghost Protocol is a great film. Despite the fact the story of Ghost Protocol is simplified in comparison to the twisty and turny plots you might expect from the previous films, there’s enough intrigue here to keep you glued. Disappointingly, it seems like the writers dusted off an old manuscript they wrote in the 80′s as the central plot revolves around Russian nuclear missiles. Yep, Russian. It’s a minor quibble though as the movie still takes us across the globe, instead of focusing in on Russia.

Through the globetrotting we’re treated to plenty of great action at some of the film’s locations. From a prison break in Russia, to a dizzying climb up a tower and sandstorm chase in Dubai, to the climactic scene in a car park in India, your action tastebuds will be delightfully slathered with delicious action sauce. All are expertly crafted without (any apparent) overzealous application of CG.

The cast is great and more than any of the other films, the teamwork aspect of these impossible missions is emphasized. That said, it’s still clear this is Tom Cruise’s movie and that Ethan Hunt is the man. Although Simon Pegg’s character does a lot more than provide the comedic relief this time around, it has to be said that the comedic lines he gives are expected, cliche and fall pretty flat. More than once I awkwardly wondered if I should giggle politely. Jeremy Renner’s character also provides some levity at points but his character is at his best when he’s being badass. Speaking of badass, Paula Patton manages to portray a badass secret agent who is tough and also vulnerable…. and sexy.

Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol is a great action film that doesn’t bog itself down with an overly complicated plot but also doesn’t feel dumbed down despite it’s simpler storyline. We’re treated to a movie that is tightly woven to deliver a steady flow of great action sequences. Do not hesitate to check it out.

a tightly woven film that delivers a steady flow of great action sequences

4 out of 5

That’s where this list comes in, and since it’s the holiday season, let’s attach a theme to it! There’s no shortage of terrible Christmas themed stock photography available and this list of 12 is in no way exhaustive. What this list is, however, is a compilation of Christmas stock photography that may lack style, have no photographic merit and have questionable subject matter or themes, but above all, they are terrible beyond any conceivable use. So without further ado…

I can’t think of many cases where a photo of a kid about to puke in front of a Christmas tree would properly convey the spirit of the holidays.

Few things bring tears to my eyes like watching a child hurriedly rushing from bed to open presents and then getting attacked by a psychotic cat leaping out of a stocking on Christmas.

This one has some terrible implications: 1) Santa is just someone’s grandma 2) Santa’s elves are actually just someone else’s grandma 3) Some poor kid is going to get a Russian doll for Christmas.

If anyone can tell me what a kid , hands pressed together in prayer, staring at me with murderous intent while being a puzzle means in the context of Christmas, I’m all ears.

Okay, so I see the hat, but that’s still a terrible impression of Santa. Worst mime ever.

Sexy Christmas pictures aren’t hard to find. What is hard to find are sexy Christmas pictures of girls being robbed!

You know this one kind of works… if we pretend Christmas is about going on murderous rampages or peeping into ladies locker rooms.

Normally scantily clad women wearing hooker boots is a hard sell for Christmas imagery, but sit a scantily clad woman wearing hooker boots in such a way that there is a phallic Christmasy explosion from her crotch and we’re in business.

Whenever the holiday season rolls around one of my favourite things to do is stare and giggle at what my package looks like in a banana hammock too!

This one is so close. It almost nails it. If only the skull and crossbones with the giant freaky eyes wearing the Santa hat while floating over a burning forest had a nice white beard.

Is he wringing his hands or counting imaginary money? Whatever the case, someone is getting a present so that makes this a great Christmas image.

…

Happy holidays!

THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS

I usually avoid Kevin Smith movies like I avoid eating pubic hairs off a toilet seat, but because I had heard that Red State was “controversial” and that it was a departure for Smith, I decided to give it a shot. Well, maybe I should have given the pubic hairs that shot instead.

For the sake of brevity I’ll try to keep the Smith bashing to a minimum, but boy does that guy ever suck at making movies. Red State is a contrived commentary on radical religious groups at it’s core, and that’s a noble cause because those guys are assholes, but of course Kevin Smith lacks any skill or nuance whatsoever so this movie ends up being a bumbling mess with no cohesive tone or flow.

The movie starts out like a teen comedy and we are treated to Kevin Smith’s trademark Bullshit Banter™ that I suppose we’re all supposed to find incredibly witty and hilarious. “Yo dudes! Dick! I found this site and this chick wants to fuck! Balls! We’re all gonna do her at the same time! Tits!” Needless to say, the three dumbasses that we are to assume are the lead characters in the film are supposed to be endeared to us now so that when they fall victim to terrible circumstances, we will be cheering for them. But don’t worry about it if that didn’t work for you, they are basically throw away characters that don’t matter a single iota.

So after an overly long sermon scene where we get a taste of how boring church is, we get an admittedly tense scene to illustrate just how crazy these people are. Commence teen slasher film as the hapless three dumbasses try to escape the clutches of their captors. Kevin Smith apparently got bored of this idea and it’s hard to blame him. It wasn’t going that well to be honest. Commence action movie mode!

We are treated to the most poorly directed, boring, gunfight committed to film. I’ve seen kids having water fights with those shitty water guns you buy from the dollar store that were more exciting than the garbage Red State was serving to me. I love John Goodman, but watching him hobble around from cover to cover under heavy gunfire was one of the most unintentionally pathetic sights I’ve witnessed in any film and I would like to slap Kevin Smith on the backside of his fat head for making him do that.

Speaking of Goodman, it’s about time for Kevin Smith to engage M. Night Shyamalan mode and unleash an unexpected twist! Nonsensical horn blaring saves us from the gun fight but makes us ask WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS MOVIE?! We are lead to believe it is some supernatural thing, maybe it really is God coming down from the heavens to demand a stop to the fighting. Of course, that would be dumb as hell, but given what a despicable mess the film was already, I wasn’t about to rule anything out. Well end scene, Kevin Smith changes modes again.

Let’s end the movie with a prolonged chat between John Goodman and a couple of government agents. Let’s have them exchange forced dialogue that expresses Kevin Smith’s “controversial” stance on the Patriot Act. Let’s also explain the previous scene’s nonsensical horn blaring with some completely unrealistic story about a group of ecofreaks not knowing there was a gun fight going on and setting off the horn as a prank against the crazy church people. Yeah, if I lived out in a small secluded rural area, I wouldn’t hear a gunfight happening at a nearby lot either.

You know what, let’s just cap the movie off with the pastor of the crazy church saying crazy church things in his prison cell and then have a fellow prisoner telling him to shut up. It’ll be hilarious! Perfect! Roll credits!

The one bright spot would have been Kerry Bishé as the token eye candy, except it sounds like she has a wind tunnel behind her face. I had to rewind and rewatch her dialogue scenes to make sure I wasn’t imagining the excessive nasal airflow punctuating her lines.

If it hasn’t been abundantly clear, this movie sucks and Kevin Smith is the biggest hack to ever make it in Hollywood. Red State struggles incredibly to find what exactly it’s trying to say and the very few lofty ideas it has fall extremely flat. It’s ultimately an unfulfilling waste of time and I encourage you to avoid this movie at all costs.

struggles incredibly to find what exactly it’s trying to say. the very few lofty ideas it has fall extremely flat. It’s ultimately an unfulfilling waste of time

0 out of 5

There are sequels that take what the first film established and improves on it. A Game of Shadows, the second in what’s hopefully going to be a trilogy of Sherlock Holmes movies, isn’t necessarily one of those films. What it manages to be is a sequel that walks a pretty parallel path to the original, and considering how good the first film was, that’s still some pretty high praise.

Robert Downey Jr. reprises his role as a manic, possibly mentally damaged and tortured version of Sherlock Holmes, and Jude Law returns as the unfairly handsome, glorious moustache wielding, stable and calming influence Dr. Watson. Their on-screen chemistry, if not already apparent from the top image, is palpable and returning fans will be happy to see the two tossing delightfully British banter back and forth once again. Sadly, Rachel McAdams is relegated to not much more than a cameo in this film, leaving a gaping void hole pit that Noomi Rapace doesn’t manage to fill.

The story isn’t incredibly complex or groundbreaking. Tell me if this sounds like a familiar plot: Bad guy is an evil schemer who is scheming things, and it’s up to good guy to figure out what he’s up to and stop him! All the same, the movie manages to keep you tuned in with some great pacing, stylish filmmaking and just enough clues dropped in your lap to keep you engaged.

One of the great things about the first film, aside from Rachel McAdams’ sexiness, was Sherlock’s pre-fight premonitions. You know, that thing he does when he plays the fight out in slow-mo in his mind, giving us a play-by-play of the ass-kickery he’s planning on giving? Yeah, that’s back and it’s still as delightful to take in as a a double bacon cheeseburger. In addition, A Game of Shadows treats viewers to one of the cooler sequences you’ll see in any movie this year. It involves a forest, mortar fire, splintering trees, guns, running, slow motion, a weird kind of quasi-3D-parallax effect, explosions and a little wetness in your pants.

A great comedic gag right at the end caps off an overall fun and enjoyable experience. It’s hard not to recommend this film to returning fans and even those new to the series. It’s a fun, thrilling ride that doesn’t take itself too seriously and pitches a near perfect balance between action, comedy and mystery.

a fun, thrilling ride that pitches a near perfect balance between action, comedy and mystery

4 out of 5

]]> http://ohhsnap.com/2011/12/review-sherlock-holmes-a-game-of-shadows/feed/ 0 http://ohhsnap.com/2011/12/gift-of-doom-amnesia-the-dark-descent/ http://ohhsnap.com/2011/12/gift-of-doom-amnesia-the-dark-descent/#comments Tue, 20 Dec 2011 06:08:15 +0000 jerry http://ohhsnap.com/?p=38

Tis the season to give, and receive. And then cry when you receive Amnesia – The Dark Descent. Apparently I’ve been a bad, bad boy this year.

As I slaved away, clicking a couple of buttons to install a WordPress theme template for a website that you may or may not be looking at right now, my email dinged. I expected it to be a notification from Twitter informing me that Roxi1847982 had started following me and that she was a sexy girl who was “kinky as hell” and wanted to do unsavoury things to me.

My optimism turned to happiness which then turned to horror as I read the email. Nope, not from Twitter, it was from Steam. Oh someone gifted me a game! OMG what game did I ge… OH FUCK it’s Amnesia… Clearly, I was being punished. I had received the ultimate lump of coal for Christmas. From what I’ve gathered, Amnesia is one of the more terrifying gaming experiences one can have. It’s a game I had actively avoided while pretending to be oblivious to it’s existence. I can’t make up excuses for not playing it if I didn’t know it existed right?

Now it’s unavoidable. Now I can’t claim ignorance. Now I own it and I’m crying a little inside at the thought of playing it.